


Masters of Fate

by skylarenee



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Female Protagonist, Femslash, Fluff, Original Character(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26264353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skylarenee/pseuds/skylarenee
Summary: 𝙄𝙣 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙘𝙝 𝙈𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙙𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙂𝙧𝙚𝙮 𝙚𝙣𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙢𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙚𝙨𝙘𝙖𝙥𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙛𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙝 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙘 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙪𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙛𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙧𝙮𝙨𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝘼𝙙𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙤𝙣 𝙈𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙜𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙧𝙮.
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery
Comments: 42
Kudos: 107





	1. Did you say it?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! First of all, this is my first multi-chapter story, so I'm still getting a hang of it. Second, this is inspired by the story "War is Love" by ano978 in Fanfiction, that story is about Derek and Meredith and I just thought how cool it'd be if it I wrote my own spin-off about Meredith and Addison. Third, updates may vary from days to weeks, it just usually depends on my schedule, but I promise to update as often as I can. Fourth, I cannot promise that there won't be any errors in this story considering that English isn't even my first language to begin with and I lack a bit of knowledge on certain areas. Last but definitely not the least: IF THIS ISN'T YOUR TYPE OF STORY, DO NOT READ.
> 
> Oh, and of course, changes are to be expected. I might not be able to point them out, but they will happen. And I would like to make it clear that, in this fic, Owen Hunt simply does not exist.
> 
> Also, the merger did not happen.

“Lieutenant Grey, did you say it?”

**_Did you say it? ‘I love you.’_ **

****

Three words; eight letters: **I love you.**

The sentence itself was deemed a deal-breaker, a make-it or break-it. Some people may be fond of it, some may be as equally as terrified by it. It’s supposed to depict a positive outcome; it wasn’t constituted for the contrary. Yet, love works in mysterious ways, the world revolves around illogicality and absurdity beyond all. Love was… well, _love_. A sentimentality led to make us believe that it conquers all. A convoluted notion stemmed in nothing but. Or at least that’s what the stories and fairy tales tell us about. To be fair, some were factual information, but they don’t really show the whole truth, don’t they? Love isn’t always bright and shiny. It’s not always rainbows and unicorns. Love does not gyrate on heroic Prince Charmings, nor does the belief that certain writers impose on us women, considered damsels in distress, that our problems will suddenly vanish within the blink of an eye because of the advent of one, fine knight in shining armor. No, that is bullshit at its best. It fabricates a false pretense about the actuality of what love is reputed to be.

Because if love truly was uncomplicated and harmless as they say, then why do we spend our time and effort on the undeserving ones? Why do we cry ourselves to sleep at night, hoping and praying to the gods we don’t even believe in that someday… the person we love, will love us back? Eventually. Maybe. Someday. Hopefully. Those are anything but certainty.

The tales? They are just that. _Tales_. Sugar-coated, deceiving and far-fetched stories, because the truth is that; Ariel saves the Prince from drowning, falls in love with him, and barters her beautiful voice in order to become human in hopes to be with him. Yet, the ramification? She becomes a seafoam, while the Prince she sacrificed everything for — marries another. Chooses another.

That’s the truth, love hurts like a bitch, and it’s dark and twisted nonetheless. It’s rooted in compromises, tons and tons. It’s give and take, not give and give, and more importantly, not take and take. It’s about giving your partner the power to hurt you, but trusting them that they won’t. Ridiculous, right?

The truth is that Meredith Grey. A veritable lone-wolf, a person known to run away from commitments, a woman who shares a great deal of affinity for tequilas and men alike, taught herself not to be afraid, convinced herself that her concerns were mere fears that’s holding her back from what life is about to offer. She made herself become worthwhile in wake of her undying love for a specific redhead: Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery.

But they weren’t in fairy tales, they live and breathe in reality. Hence, in reality, Addison is still a Shepherd by paper, and maybe even by heart.

Meredith was sitting on the bottom bunk of the double-deck bed in the on-call room, a hand weaving through her blonde locks as she looked up at Addison with countenance akin to excruciating misery and pain. “Addison, you can’t keep stringing me along like this.” She whispers into the dimly lit room. You can see it in her eyes, in her deep ocean blue eyes, eyes that were misty and red with unshed tears. “Are you ever going to pick me?” Her voice wavered.

Addison’s initial pacing back and forth was halted upon hearing the apparent somber lilt in Meredith’s tone. “I don’t know, Meredith. You know Derek isn’t the kind of guy you leave if you can help it.” She reasons out, as if that was supposed to take the edge off their given state of affairs. And of course, it all comes down to Derek in the end. It always does.

Mark Sloan was wrong, the narratives were once again inaccurate; life doesn’t come down on the side of the dirty mistresses, and the naked truth of all? There’s no happily-ever-afters.

“But he is the kind of guy who has a tendency to sustain marital amnesia. Who throws away an eleven-year marriage, leaves his wife to fend for herself and then screws a lusty intern, namely me. Derek Shepherd is the kind of guy who made you feel less of a woman and a doctor by treating your job no more than significant as his. He is not worthy of you, Addison. He bailed on you once, and he will bail again once the odds turn against him, and trust me, it will.”

Addison whips her head towards Meredith, puckering her eyebrows as it provoked a god-awful reaction from Addison when Meredith’s words struck a raw nerve, it hit too close to home and whether it was intentional or not, it was not her place to say such things to her. “You have no right to say that to me, Meredith.”

Meredith elicited an indignant scoff, finally having the ability to voice out her frustrations from the very beginning. “ _Oh_ , right, I forgot. I’m just your dirty mistress, your sloppy seconds, so I’m not really entitled to have an opinion of my own here because I lack the appropriate merit to meet your standards. Yeah, that’s why I’m your second choice.”

“Meredith!” Addison chastised sternly, appalled at the insinuation and the boiling anger behind it.

“What? Am I _wrong_ , Addison?!” She exclaimed with disdain and stood up to level eye to eye with Addison. She had never screamed at her before, or screamed angrily at all for that matter. She had never gotten this mad since Meredith had usually kept her emotions in check, locking them inside a container and tossing the key away. “I have to know. I _need_ to know right now, Red. Who’s it gonna be? Me or Derek?” Addison knew what this was, her and Derek’s relationship had been composed of it. This was an ultimatum, and she didn’t know what to do. She just stood there; gaping and dumbstruck.

Addison shook her head and looked away, the impact of Meredith’s outburst of emotion was like a stake through the heart. It was unbearable and she couldn’t come to terms with the fact that she’s the source of this. She had planted a seed that sprouted eventually, she should’ve seen this coming from a mile away. “I-I don’t… know. Please don’t do this.”

Meredith gritted her teeth, her hands clenched into balls of fists to her sides, and her jaw clamped rigid and tensed to quell the bitter words from coming out. She had felt so used and betrayed, she felt like crying and screaming more and more until she just passes out of exhaustion. Deciphering her feelings had proven to be hard. All she knows is that all those months of patience and rage build-up had clouded her better sense of judgement, and it was now boiling through the surface. “I’m never gonna be Derek to you, aren’t I?” A tear escaped her eye as she urgently wiped it away. “No matter what I do, or what I say, it’s always gonna be Derek. How can I compete with that? With him?”

In Addison’s silence, Meredith got her answer. She smiled ironically and nodded in acceptance. “I hope you made the right choice, Red. Because if you fall again, I won’t be here to catch you anymore.”

**_‘I don’t ever want to live without you.’_ **

****

Soulmates. A union of two souls, a person specifically made for each other, a soul bridged to another, one that no problem, nor tragedy would ever set them apart. One that is destined to meet under any circumstances. It sounds magical, doesn’t it? It does, and Meredith knows this because she has found the soulmate of her own, it isn’t always a romantic interest. It can also be a friend at your best interest. In her case, it was Cristina Yang, the better half of the twisted sisters club. But what she can’t understand, primarily, was what people described as true love. Several people have confessed to finding the love of their life that — though sometimes can be separated by a certain situation — will forever stay in their heart. One that no other person could trump in each their hearts. Truthfully, at the outset, Meredith had been understandably skeptical about it, with what everything that had transpired and all, it’s normal and fairly reasonable. But by chance, in the very least expected time, every inch of her doubt faded away day by day as her love for Addison grew on the horizon. Suddenly, the questions regarding the said controversial subject dissipated, and was replaced by answers she didn’t even know she had that made her realize something, and now she has to learn to live with a highly dangerous epiphany.

Meredith doesn’t want to live without Addison. She can, but she doesn’t want to. Wherever Addison was, that’s where she belonged.

But was it really worth it? Was waiting worth it when the woman in question can’t even bring herself to pick her? Meredith isn’t filled with a lot of patience, and with the amount that she’s contrived for the past months shows just how much she loves Addison. Then again, it wasn’t enough. She deserved better; she deserved better than just an irresolute ‘I don’t know’. She had been gentle and understanding with Addison. She understands the doubt and uncertainty she felt, but it’s always about her and Derek. What about Meredith? Was she going to be left in the shadows? Become Addison’s dirty little secret? No. Meredith had been walked on all her life. She won’t let that happen again.

“So, this is it? We’re just, what, going to throw it all away? Forget it never even happened?” Addison spoke out of the blue while they were checking on a preemie inside of the NICU. It was the first sentence she had uttered to Meredith that’s not medically related, three days after Meredith ended their relationship – or whatever they had.

“I won’t be your secret, Addison. I made you choose, and you’ve made yourself perfectly clear. You chose him, which I think is a fair-minded decision. He’s your husband after all. I don’t even know why I even hoped it would be me. It was ridiculous and I’m over it.” Thanks to her mother’s negligence, Meredith knew how to keep a neutral face when she’s lying, or when she’s overwhelmed, because there’s no way in hell that she’ll ever be able to get over someone like Addison.

How can you forget someone who gave you so much to remember?

“I said I don’t know. I never chose.” Addison looked up from her chart, a wistful look flashed before her eyes.

Meredith nonchalantly shrugged. “Well, in my vocabulary, you chose him. Because if it was me, you would’ve easily told me that. You wouldn’t have hesitated. And I think we can both agree that I deserved better.”

The blonde woman stared at Addison. Her face was still the most breathtaking view Meredith had had the chance to witness. She loves Addison’s face, she loves it with her whole being, truly and immensely at that. She considered it as a reflection of Addison’s variety of emotions. It was a way of rendering her barriers down for Meredith; a semblance of vulnerability and a look at Addison’s weak state that only a few people have had the opportunity to be familiarized with. Meredith knew what the raise of Addison’s eyebrow meant, she knew the meaning behind her pursed lips, behind her scrunched-up nose and the wrinkle in between her eyes. She knew everything; even knows how to differentiate the equivocal smiles of Addison, to tell what’s genuine and what’s not.

Know even the slightest alteration in Addison’s features that would’ve been glossed over by someone who doesn’t know who Addison Montgomery was.

Surely enough, Meredith will miss this. She will miss the crinkles in the corner of Addison’s baby blue eyes whenever she smiles, she will miss the curve on her lips. She will miss the rose-colored tint on Addison’s cheeks. She will miss her red hair, her vanilla-scented perfume. Especially her hearty laugh that had always been the highlight of Meredith’s day, she can’t function without hearing it, her day isn’t complete without the glimpse of it. Everything about this woman was par excellence, remarkable, and more so, unforgettable.

Absolutely unforgettable.

It’s a shame Meredith had to force herself to forget it all.

**_‘You changed my life.’ Did you say it?_ **

****

It’s funny how a person could just barge into your life; unannounced, yet manages to completely alter you and everything that makes you, _you_. But in a sense that is good, better, even. And the living proof of that is the notorious redhead who melted Meredith’s stone-cold heart. That woman changed Meredith’s life as Addison Shepherd, Satan, McBitch, McHot, or in other words, the McWife of McDreamy — for all the bad reasons. But in time, she turned Meredith’s life upside down as Addison Montgomery, the steadfast, headstrong, world-class neonatal surgeon with numerous degrees, a sense of humor and an innately kind heart that swept Meredith off of her feet.

They began as rivals, fighting over the same man who doesn’t know what he wants for the life of him, and after that, for some odd reason and the odd force of nature, their relationship had been revamped into a level esteemed as amicable that picked up its pace into something platonic and eventually… romantic. They embarked on an emotionally-charged journey before they realized what was happening between them as their first ever kiss in the supply closet served as the token of their beginning of a lifetime of firsts; their first time making love, first time spending the waking morning together snuggled up in each other, their first bickering as a couple (?) and their first date. All of it was going to be remembered deeply, it’ll be forever cherished and close to Meredith’s heart.

Looking back at the memories, a stray tear managed to slip away as Meredith looked at Addison from down the hospital corridor, her adorable glasses perched on the end of her nose. It had been five days after their split, as she stole a discreet glance of desperation and desire. “I miss you… I miss you so much, Red. I’m sorry.”

**_Make a plan, set a goal. Walk toward it._ **

****

Setting goals; it’s what grown-ups do. We set a goal, we have our heart and mind be onboard with it and we face it like adults, we stand by it. Doing so gives us this vast and cosmic rush, the thrill of exploring an unprecedented territory. The exhilarating feeling of not knowing what you’d do tomorrow. If you’ve felt this, that’s when you know you’re doing the right thing.

And God, how much Meredith hopes that she was indeed doing the right thing… because this was it. There was no turning back.

Meredith’s aimless steps had brought her in front of the Chief of Surgery’s office to attend her requested meeting with Richard Webber, the hospital’s father figure, and the man who had taken a huge part in ruining Meredith’s family, her childhood, her mom and for driving his dad away. But even then, Meredith bears no ill-will towards him. He has been nothing but accommodating and supportive. He was nice and Meredith could see why her mom had fallen for him.

She must admit, it was a shame he had no children. He would have made an excellent father. It was patent, he had the traits and nature of a parental figure.

However, this doesn’t mean that she could forgive him right away. It doesn’t make sense, she knows, but she feels like she’s entitled to be unprepared and somewhat unwilling to grant someone forgiveness after everything the affair had caused her. Apparently, the great Ellis Grey and Richard Webber didn’t seem too guilty having an affair at the time at Meredith’s expense. 

Deciding not to beat around the bush, she inhaled a ball of air before knocking. “Come in.” The quintessentially chilling voice of Richard Webber came on the other side.

Upon stepping inside, Meredith felt the cold air wrap around her petite body that had intensified her anxiety and weakened her resolve. It was a mix of nervousness and excitement, two emotions that usually contradicted the norm. “Uh, Chief…”

The older man beamed, a kind smile resting on his calm facial expression. “Ah, Dr. Grey, there you are. To what do I owe this pleasure? I suppose you could provide answers to my internal queries seeing as this meeting was of very short notice?” 

She swallowed down her fears and took a step forward. “I would…” She sighs. “I would like to formally tender my resignation, sir.” Richard’s smile faded as quickly as it formed.

The Chief stared at her like she had gained two heads, nonplussed at the inanity of the idea, mouth hanging by a bit. “A resignation?” His objection was apparent, further strengthened by giving Meredith a look of reproach. “I’m sorry? Am I missing something here? If I consent to this, not only would the repercussion be irreversible, you would have also risked your opportunity at a residency, decent enough for a doctor of your calibre. You should know by now that at this point in time, this is utterly nonsensical. So forgive me, Dr. Grey. But I will not give my authorization in this matter.”

Meredith braved her superior’s disapprobation and didn’t break eye contact even though the hairs on the back of her neck rose the same instant Richard’s voice did. “It’s more like a transfer, Chief. It was a programme I applied for months prior to my internship here at Seattle Grace. I was only in medical school by then, and I would have never thought I’d get accepted until now. I already went through proper assessment and had been given the green-light to proceed.”

“ _Proper assessment_? Where is this, exactly?” He asked with raised brows as he and Meredith shared a knowing look. 

The younger woman clenched her jaw for a moment and sighed before responding to the question they both knew the answer to. “US Army accelerated medical programme, surgery division.”

“No.” Richard stood by this decision, making it more noticeable as he got on his feet. “Absolutely not, Meredith.”

“I’m afraid you owe me this, Chief.” Meredith mumbles silently as a “sorry?” was mumbled back. “I know about everything. You and my mom, I know it. I found her diary.” Richard’s complexion paled at the revelation. Ellis Grey’s little girl had known all along yet waited enough to confront him for the sake of maintaining a professional atmosphere. “And with the whole debacle between Derek and Addison and the profound humiliation that comes with it, I just… I can’t anymore. I suppose your affair with my mom didn’t attract this much attention enough to tarnish your reputation, but clearly we’re both in a different era, so…”

She sighed once again and stopped her rambling and about. “I’m just saying; I need to save the last ounce of dignity that I have left in myself. And with all due respect, Chief, you are acting on your personal feelings, we’re inside the hospital, and right now I’m your subordinate, and my decisions regarding my transfer need not seek personal approval from you. I’m mentally apt to come to terms with a conclusion like this.”

Still recovering from his shock, Richard remained dumbfounded for at least a couple of seconds before regaining his perception to turn and look down at the papers Meredith had situated on his desk. Picking it up, he wore his glasses haphazardly. “A confidentiality agreement? What do they know?” 

They shared an understanding on who Richard was pertaining to. “Mass Gen in Boston. It was the perfect excuse. I told them my mom had demanded me to stay in my hometown, pulled some strings and coerced me to go, which, face it, it’s something she would do.” _If she was lucid_.

Richard casted Meredith a hesitant glance as he pulled out a pen, twirling it in his hand to stall. She sensed his expected reluctance as signing the papers meant signing her off to war. “Are you sure about this?”

Meredith offered a nervous smile, shoving her hands inside the pocket of her lab coat. “I believe I am…” She inhaled a sharp air. “This probably sounds cliché, but I need to find my purpose. I can’t find it here, and the shortened, yet full medical residency is hardly an offer to turn down.” She states calmly. “Richard… Chief, whatever… I, uh, I know the confidentiality agreement is already well-established, but what I also do know is that we’re family here and we’re privy to each other’s plans and whatnots, but I would really appreciate it if everyone was kept out of the loop. Even Dr. Bailey.”

“I’ll do my best, Dr. Grey.” He promised, scribbling his signature to sign her off to the army. “When will you start?”

“As soon as possible. I’ll have my stuff cleaned out in the locker by tomorrow, and that’ll probably be my… last day.” 

Richard nods, perching his hands on his hips. “I see.” Meredith looks down at her feet as the awkwardness settles in over the both of them. “I’m so sorry, Meredith...” He blurted out as she looked up again. “Will you ever forgive me for what I did?”

“Of course. In time, I will, because I don’t hate you, Chief. I just need time to process it.”

**_But every now and then; look around, drink it in ‘cause this is it._ **

Meredith sat on the bench in front of her now empty locker. Thank God she had stored very little things, enough to be kept inside her purse that was relatively large for its normal sizes because if she hadn’t, she would have to be forced to face questions, questions she had no intent on answering as she wanted to leave without acquiring too much attention to herself. She had already gone through an ample supply of mortification to handle one more rumor outburst for her leave after allegedly being deemed Seattle’s resident dirty mistress. 

Informing her peers, let alone her surgical resident from day one, Dr. Miranda Bailey, of her supposed transfer to Mass Gen had not been as smooth sailing as she hoped it’d be, with flying accusations about her fleeing from her problems by Izzie Stevens who was thoroughly upset, a scoff and disappointed look from Alex Karev, and a sad puppy eyes from George O’Malley eroded her of her resolution, and she couldn’t possibly imagine what their reaction would be had they known that it was a lie, had they known the fact of the matter. The only person who was remotely elated by the news was _her_ person, Cristina Yang, and maybe Bailey.

Meredith’s determination not to tell Addison about it was strong. She would have to know once Meredith had left the country already because if not, then she would have to explain why and Addison would just… she would only make it harder for her to go. And knowing the woman, there was a prospect of her calling Mass Gen to seek corroboration. 

A figure went to sit beside her, and she knew immediately that it was Cristina. There was no need to double-check when it comes to her twisted sister, she just knows. It’s a feeling, a telepathy that only they had. “I need you to make sure that George and Izzie get to stay in the house, okay? Bambi will throw a fit if his mother continues to iron his scrubs and don’t let Barbie bake muffins to death. And you…” She turned to face Cristina. “You are my person; you will always be my person, Cristina Yang. Remember that. Don’t let Burke consume you.” As much as Meredith tried to hold it in, her voice broke like an uproar of pain. The edges of her eyes brimmed with tears as a lone tear ran down her cheek.

Cristina furrowed her eyebrows and held Meredith’s shoulders, shaking it. “Why are you crying? God, please don’t tell me Izzie rubbed off on you already? Besides, don’t mind them, they’ll come around. I mean it’s Mass Gen, you should be thrilled, heck, you should be ecstatic! We can still call and talk about the boys _and_ girls who continue to screw us over and our mothers who’ll annoy us until we get buried six feet underground!” Cristina broke off in laughter, but stopped when Meredith didn’t. “Mer… we can still call… right?”

“I didn’t go into Mass Gen.” _Fuck_. It was a word-vomit, it wasn’t intended to come out the way it did, but if the war can’t kill Meredith, the pressure in her chest influenced by secrecy will.

Cristina’s frown could only go more evident. “I’m not understanding this… I, well, where are you going?”

Meredith collected herself, took Cristina’s hands in her own, and smiled at her best friend. “I’m going to Iraq. I joined the army, Cristina.”

Cristina gaped, her face dangerously unreadable and her hold on Meredith’s hand tightened as she let the confession sink in. “What…? No, Meredith, are you freaking insane?! Does anyone else know?”

Meredith shook her head. “No, it’s just you and the Chief. Not even Bailey knows, so please don’t tell them. I can’t say it. They won’t let me leave if I do. Please, Cristina, do this for me. I need this. You know I do.” She pleaded.

“Mer, I can’t lose you, too. I’m going to fly over the cuckoo’s nest in the next few days if you leave. Do you want that? Do you want me to go be a literal crazy bitch in here?”

Meredith chuckles and cups Cristina’s cheek to calm her down. “No. No, you’re not going to be a crazy bitch in here. You know what you’ll become? The best cardiothoracic surgeon, you’ll freaking kick Burke’s ass at his own game. I know you will.”

Cristina breathed out a resigned sigh as Meredith continued. “Addison may be the love of my life, but you are my soulmate, Cristina Yang. We’ll always cross paths, we’ll find our way back to each other. I promise, I’ll write letters to you as often as I can.”

“I’m going to hug you right now.” Cristina says before surging forward with opened arms, rubbing Meredith’s back, she spoke. “Don’t go overboard with being a hero, alright? You’re my person. I need you alive. You make me brave.”

“If it’s any consolation to your pride, you make me brave, too.” Meredith chuckles and squeezed Cristina tightly.

And then that was it, their first hug and probably the last for a long, long course of time. Meredith might have also received threats from Cristina setting her house on fire if she doesn’t come back alive and they just laughed it off like they always did. With them, there is no sulking, only hopes and support for each other which was enough, more than enough actually. That’s all they ever needed from each other.

Meredith stood by the elevator, waiting for it to open, and it isn’t her life if Addison or Derek wasn’t inside of it. It was like an unspoken rule in her life that she had to be in a confined space with someone she had history with, sharing unsettling silence and casting uneasy glances every now and then, it sucks but it is what it is. 

And she couldn’t be more right, Addison was there and Meredith stood against laughing, the thought was bitter-sweet.

“Hello, Dr. Grey.”

“Dr. Montgomery,” she greeted back with a closed smile.

“Your shift ended already?” Addison asks followed by a rich, reverberating “yes” from Meredith. “Huh, I thought it wasn’t over until tomorrow.”

“Change of plans.” She said, and their eyes met, locking concurrently. Meredith wasted no time in pulling the emergency stop button. They both knew what it meant as Meredith wrapped her arms around Addison’s neck and pulled her into a passionate kiss; the kind of kiss that held all her love for the woman, all the pain and sacrifices, the desire and everything else that comes along with it. She wanted to kiss her for what she knows could possibly be the last she’ll ever get. 

Meredith teased by quickly slipping her tongue in that elicited a spine-chilling moan from Addison. The redhead seized her closer when Meredith’s lips connected with her neck with the aim to mark her, again, for the last time. Meredith then nibbled on Addison’s ear. “Take care of yourself for me, Red.”

**_It might all be gone tomorrow…_ **

“Lieutenant Grey, did you say it?” The deeply rough tumultuous voice of her commanding officer, Colonel Donovan Matthews, echoed through her ears.

“Say what, sir?”

“That you’re going home…”

**Home**. Meredith wasn’t even sure what home meant to her anymore, what it felt like, how to describe it. She forgot. Five years of being away from Seattle, from her initial surrogate family had been too much and has taken a long time, a myriad of bullets fired, several explosives and equal parts Iraquee refugees, civilians and officers to die on her watch. To die in her arms where in her position, the least she could do was to call the time of death, close their eyes and send them off with deep-rooted respect emanating and piercing through even the thickest of bones.

She may not know what home is, but she damn well knows what ‘damaged’ meant because that is what Meredith Grey is; an admittedly broken person who brought nothing but her medical knowledge and skills and sheer force of will when she joined the army. The Meredith that came out of Seattle Grace’s front door isn’t the same as the Meredith who will be going back through the same door. Meredith five years ago was just a ghost, long gone and forgotten in the abyss. 

Back then, she lectured herself for feeling too much, for getting too attached to patients and to people in general that is destructive for herself and her career. But now, she was cold and was deprived of the ability to feel. She can’t feel anything anymore. She was broken, a broken person put together by tape and glue. A broken person who wakes up for the sake of waking up, and that is barely living, it’s solely the utmost matter of surviving.

“No, Colonel. I didn’t say it.” She didn’t say it among other a sea of things that she should have said, should have done, years ago. She should have said she was going; she should have said goodbye, she should have said that she loved them, that she can’t live without them, and that they changed her life. Because now, in this day and age, at her state and stage, she might no longer be able to say it. _S_ _he should have been a lot of things._

A lot of things.


	2. What difference the years make

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I apologize if this chapter took too long to be posted. My online class started a week ago and this was the only free day I had, so if this, in any way, seems a bit rushed, that’s probably because I wrote in in just a couple of hours. But I still made sure to convey their thoughts and emotions properly. So, it should be no secret that this story will be long af.

* * *

“She’s home.”

**_“We spend our lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring out will cushion the blow.”_ **

**Adults**. That’s what we are, we make conscious decisions that ought to make a difference in the world, maybe not the whole world, but rather our world. We constantly try to opt for better choices, if not, the best, to design a higher quality environment for ourselves and to those around us. During a lifetime, we’re forced to face challenging cases that vary in the level of difficulty – that changes the whole ball game for us. There’s that unadorned yes or no. Up or down. In or out. Then there comes the tough and atrocious; live or die. To be a hero or to be a coward. To love or to hate. Those are examples of substantial precedence that could affect the course of our lives, and at some point, we have to brave the given options that gets thrown in our way, whether it was a matter that we could feasibly manipulate in our hands or not, because no matter what we do, what precautionary measures we try and take, we’re always going to be subjected to the burdens of bracing the expanse of the paradigm of human life and its naturally existing contingencies.

Nobody remains shielded, nor exempted, eventually we become exposed to the reality and it kinda makes us wish we were still an innocent child whose only concern was what we’d eat later in the day, will we take a nap in the afternoon, or how we’ll get our parents to let us eat the last bit of our favourite chocolate cake. Unfortunately, it isn’t like that anymore, being an adult means doing your own laundry, paying your own bills and taxes, and buying groceries using your own hard-earned money. It’s basically about owning your crap. It’s difficult as it is, but it’s even more difficult when you become a surgeon, when you deliberately choose to be responsible for other people’s lives. It depends on you, because whatever they choose apropos to that of their health is the ramification of your influence, of their profound trust on you that should they proceed with the surgery; it’s on you to determine and give significance to their choices.

However, as surgeons, we sometimes make the wrong calls. We’re not a god, we’re just ordinary human beings with god-complexes, extensive medical knowledge and honed surgical skills – that at times opposes to standard occurrences – and an alarmingly high self-regard when we’re inside of an OR, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re modified to create mistakes that we could not have foretold. For instance, the failures and successes of our surgeries, some people could be critically ill, yet for some surprising and inexplicable reason, they survive. On the contrary, some could be as healthy as a horse with no prior health concerns, then out of the blue, for the same surprising and inexplicable reason, just… goes through an untimely demise.

And if there’s one thing Meredith Grey learned in the army; it’s realizing that _we are not in control_ , even with all the medical knowledge and skills in the world combined. It is what it is, they all say, and that’s true, move on and let go. Don’t dwell on the past and mistakes, instead do your damnedest not to create the same errors and think about what you should do next.

**Earlier in the week.**

“I’m afraid you are on imposed leave, Lieutenant.” Colonel Matthews briefed Lieutenant Grey on his direct orders, his formidable and muscular physique, demanding an acute degree of reverence.

“May I ask on what accounts, sir?” She asked prim and proper with a frown, perhaps conveying fear and surprise, more on curiosity.

The colonel held mutual eye-to-eye contact with his Lieutenant, somewhere deep beneath his psyche had wished to see Meredith Grey squirm under his impenetrable gaze as he had been abraded the pleasure of it. “You have suffered the pain of multiple gunshot wounds to the chest and abdomen merely months ago, and I think we can both agree that you got damn lucky it didn’t hit anything of importance. The human mind and body could only endure so much trauma for one lifetime, Lieutenant. It’s time for you to take a break and I cannot further abide by your requests, and I most certainly will not allow this matter to be discussed any more than we have.”

Meredith visibly scowled at her superior, her disapproval discernible and scintillating as the Middle Eastern sun. “Another year is all I ask, Colonel. I am fully capable and much more effective in the battlefield. I’m sure that you know as you have been a witness first-hand.” Meredith’s voice, albeit firm and decisive, supplicated to be granted an additional year.

“No. I already made a decision and I stand by it.” He stated, claiming the dead-end of the discussion. “Go home to Seattle, Grey. I’m no longer giving you a choice.” He dropped a guard down by addressing her by her surname as his visage softened ever-so slightly.

Meredith shook her head. The thought of it was absurd, she’s not even sure if she’s welcome after disappearing off the face of the earth for five years without as much as a proper goodbye to everybody but Richard and Cristina. “Seattle _was_ home, Van.” She called him by his nickname that he claims she only had the right to do. “I don’t even know where home is supposed to be now.”

A strong hand crept its way on top of Meredith’s shoulder. “Home isn’t always a place. Often times, home is where your people are, and I know you well enough to tell that your people are in Seattle Grace. I couldn’t have chosen a better place for your transfer.”

With a resigned nod, Meredith booted the jumble of rocks sideways. “I know… it’s just… I don’t think I’m ready to come back yet. It feels so rushed and ill-timed.”

Colonel Matthews scoffed at the sentiment like it was the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard, and truthfully, it was. “The concept of perfect timing is bullshit. No timing is ever perfect, if you believe in that, then you’ll never be ready. You do what you have to do _now_ , that’s what counts. Don’t wait for something that exists no more than in general notion. Carpe Diem, Lieutenant.”

He saw the minimal alteration in Meredith’s features and he gave her a reassuring squeeze. He considered her as his army sister, a sister from another mister as they had so playfully coined earlier on their friendship at a drunken moment together. “As your friend, you know I want what’s best for you and I would do absolutely everything in my power to ensure your comfort above all. While as your commanding officer, I order you to get your ass on a plane back to where you belong.” He chuckled timidly. “Must I also say that the Chief of Surgery is thrilled to have you back.”

A smile spread across Meredith’s lips as she shook her head once more. “What level trauma center is Seattle Grace?” She inquired as Donovan promptly answered “two.” Meredith laughed a little. “He’ll utilize my credentials as a trauma surgeon to attain a level I trauma center and I’m not even shocked it’s public strategy.” She says without a negative connotation of exploitation whatsoever since that’s simply how it is with Richard Webber; there’s always an ulterior motive for his benefit.

“Well, at least he’ll put you to good use while you’re there which is exactly what his official directives are. I wouldn’t want my best ass-kicking medical officer to rot in boredom. You’re an asset, Grey. To them _and_ to us, and you’ll rise to the occasion.”

“If I’m such an asset then why set me free?” She raised a brow, a smug smirk following close behind.

“Ha, nice try, smart-ass.” Colonel Matthews draped an arm around Meredith as he jovially tousles her intricate braids.

Meredith laughed, pushing him back with brute force that hardly ever dislodged him from her. “All jokes aside, thank you, Colonel. For everything.”

“The pleasure is mine, Lieutenant.”

**_“But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes.”_ **

**Present Time.**

Meredith typed in a quick “I’m home” text to her friends who knew she was indeed coming home, but on a leave, which wasn't entirely a fib. She wanted to surprise them.

Her secret eventually came out six months after her departure. The first time she had been direly wounded was the time she thought was convenient to let her people know the truth, including Miranda Bailey who had written her quite a few letters of disapproval and anger, stating that when Meredith comes back, she’d kill her herself with her own tiny little hands. Meredith had also received letters from the rest of her friends which was a mixture of understandable worry and rage, but a harmony in concern and love.

And out of respect for their friendship, it had been their responsibility to honour Meredith’s wishes; to keep everyone else in the dark, and they did, begrudgingly, as Cristina may insist which Meredith could not fault them for. She didn’t deserve to be honoured in any way or any form, she was a coward and an unquestionably bad friend for leaving the way she did.

“Oh God.” Meredith mutters to herself, hands clenching and unclenching on her sides.

Meredith looked up from the concrete floor, and ahead of her lie the automatic sliding doors to the famous Seattle Grace Hospital. She became cognizant of the view and vividly remembered the place where she grew up in. The familiar crisp atmosphere reminded her of _her_ people, and to be standing in front of the building within a short distance sent her pulse into a frenzy and mind into haywire at her drastically graphic aides-memoire of all the reasons why she had decamped to Iraq; Addison Montgomery was here. The person that never left her mind for the past five years, the one who kept her heart warm despite the affliction of the savagery and hostility in the army that she had to turn a blind eye on. Meredith quietly scolds herself for missing her, for longing for her, it was pathetic as her adulterous tryst with Addison led her to become a covert military officer with a prominent suntanned skin, a lighter hair colour, and a Dual Physician Board Certification in both Neuro and Trauma Surgery as her sub-specialty, therefore landing her under the authority of Dr. Derek Shepherd, the Head of Neurosurgery.

Yes, indeed she is a double-board certified, second-year attending surgeon, and on top of that, a well-respected Lieutenant in the field.

Yet, even with her entirety of titles and degrees acquired, it’s still not enough. She knew what she truly wanted, and cursed as she is, it’s not in the cards for her anymore. It’s a bit comical how it all really comes to Derek once again. She owed the man an apology for engaging in with his wife in a literal and sexual sense, and for condoning an affair to her own indulgence. Maybe Addison not choosing her was her karma, and she’s at peace with it. Being in a place where war resides, where a lot of violence was apparent, changes your perspective on things. It makes you accept and reflect.

“We’ve been standing here for fifteen minutes, Lieutenant. Do you plan on actually moving your limbs and stop acting like a damn statue?” Colonel Matthews hisses in annoyance, hovering over Meredith to hustle the blonde woman.

“Shut up.” She quickly exclaims before she could think better of it, provoking her superior to shoot her a grim and forbidding look, his lips thinning into a straight line as Meredith cleared her throat to reconsider her tone. “Respectfully, shut up, _sir_.”

Donovan pulled a face, initially trying to maintain a neutral expression but a betraying grin splitted his handsome and rugged exterior. “Your absence for the up and coming months will be the death of me, Grey.”

“Then you better be alive _when_ I come back.” She replies humorously.

“Don’t I always pull through, Lieutenant?” He quips back condescendingly, earning an eye roll from Meredith who all but nearly smacked him in the head.

“I’m your doctor, I’m why you pull through, you big baby.” She mused with the same upbeat cadence as his.

“Well, I have my willpower to live, I don’t see you aiding that.” He says as Meredith raised both her eyebrows. “Okay, maybe you do, a little bit.” Meredith just kept looking at him. “Okay, _a lot_.” He conceded.

“That’s better, now come on.” She tapped his back as they sauntered side by side, chin held high whereas procuring the natural hubris of a military officer.

Upon entering, a solidarity of active opposition and disinclination towards drawing an excessive amount of attention to themselves were undeniably present between the Colonel and Lieutenant. They had always despised it, the man had his fair share of reasons, and Meredith, accounting the last years of her life, had hers as well. But supposing that they were wearing notable uniforms among a place that’s predominantly covered by civilians, they’re bound to turn heads and pique the interests of those around them as whispers and glances done openly and unashamedly generated controversy within the speed of sound the moment they passed with self-assured strides.

With this, the rumor mill instigated. It’s only a question of time before the word spreads throughout the whole hospital about two fellow GI’s roaming the building like they owned the place. 

Nervousness started seeping in little by little, and Meredith considered this would be the perfect time to take advantage of her training in the Armed Forces. The said feeling and setting of her workplace were meant to come hand in hand, yet be that as it may, the foundation of her resilience had grown strong through the years; adjusting to the face of adversity and trauma had become less ghastly and more adaptable. So, feeling overwhelmed amidst entering a freaking hospital, bearing in mind her far brutal experiences, had been against her grain and overly pathetic for a soldier of her rank.

“Steady on, Grey.” Donovan states smoothly, as Meredith’s breathing promptly stabilized. Just a glance at his Lieutenant was just as telling as _actually_ telling.

Donovan had been browbeaten with mediocre threats by his subordinate to take the stairs, as Meredith had briefly mentioned a thing or two about elevators reckoned as aphrodisiacs, root of sexual tensions and awkward encounters all in all. He acquiesced in her request, he loves her and that includes loving her quirks. Her stubbornness had reminded him of his kid sister. It’s why he was protective of her; it’s why he would stick his neck out for her through thick and thin because Meredith would do the same. 

The point was proven long ago when she ran towards the field after a partial impact from a bomb and its shrapnels impaled Donovan’s leg during an insurgent attack. He would normally chalk it up to the initiative being Meredith’s job, but even with a hail of bullets raining down on them, his use of his ‘superior’ card, and maybe a threat on making her life hell, didn’t coax Meredith to abandon him. Instead, she ripped her clothes off and enforced an emergency tourniquet to stop the bleeding.

And now, as they faced the Chief of Surgery’s office, Donovan couldn’t help but pull the woman into him. Meredith stilled for a while, but eventually hugged back. “Answer every single one of my bloody phone calls and letters on pronto. I don’t give a damn if you’re in surgery or dealing with another yet again adulterous disaster, so long as you answer me. Do you hear me?” Meredith chuckles against his chest. “I’m serious, Grey. Hell hath no fury like a soldier scorned.”

“I understand, Van. And I will, I promise, but you have to let me go now…” She whispers remorsefully. “Come see me on my first day tomorrow if your time permits?”

“Hell, I’d come later in the day if I finish with my business early.” He said. Donovan was kind enough to offer to escort her as their chances of meeting before he left the country was slim and it was a matter of _if_ and not _when_ , so if their original plan goes awry, at least they had a proper closure. 

With a parting squeeze, they retract from one another as Patricia, the Chief’s administrative assistant, showed her her way in at Richard’s go-ahead.

Richard’s eyes lit up the second she saw Meredith, it was no secret that he had always been parentally enamoured of the woman, and as Meredith removed her patrol cap, he took in her relaxed but solidified countenance, the sight he held dear to his heart. “Lieutenant Grey.” He acknowledged, a glimmer of adoration in his eyes.

“Oh, please. Doctor precedes my title, Chief. Best if we stick to that.” She says casually as Richard motioned her to take a seat.

“Well, _Dr. Grey_ , I’m glad to have you back on board.”

At this, Meredith’s smile falters ever-so slightly with the urge of shedding a light on his view of her contract, which was ephemeral at its best, but she chose to stand against doing so as he already knew that. Eventually, all will do. Further confirming it would have a dispiriting effect on the Chief that she didn’t want to cause since he had respectfully appealed to Meredith’s demand of privacy by pulling the blinds down to his office that’s usually arrayed out in the open for everybody to gawk at.

Meredith recouped her equilibrium and focused on the issue at hand. “So am I, Chief. So am I,” came formally. “Shall we get started then?”

“Oh, right. Yes, um, this is how your contract duration will go…” Richard began as they thoroughly discussed how her interim arrangement would succeed. Given that not only is she a fully qualified Trauma surgeon who will be running her own department, she’s also on Neuro under Derek Shepherd’s jurisdiction which is to be expected from the very beginning. They had covered just about everything that’s stated in the contract in correspondence to the newly proclaimed hospital protocols down to her doctor’s privileges and he even gave her her pager. “...Your lab coat, scrubs and ID are ready to be collected from the HR by tomorrow.”

All that’s left to do is for her to sign and that’s it.

Richard handed her a pen, and with a swift stroke of her wrist, she’s officially a doctor, _once again_ , at Seattle Grace Hospital. The Chief downplayed his excitement by clearing his throat. “If you have any more concerns I’d be happy to comply.”

“Everything’s good, Chief. It’s just… Do they know? Shepherd, Bailey… Addison?” Her voice broke slightly.

Thankfully, Richard was unaware of her little voice crack. “Of course, Dr. Shepherd has been informed of a military transfer as you are going to be in his department after all, but I believe I have intentionally left out your whole identity. And as for the others, well, they know just as much as Derek which could hardly be ever accounted for.” He paused momentarily. “I presumed, on a personal note, that you’d like to be the one to tell them.”

Meredith smiled. Richard has always been considerate of her even though he was the one who called Derek’s wife in the first place, and that spiraled from there. But Meredith knew it was his way of showing that he cared, however strange it may be. “Thank you, Chief.”

The man put his hand atop Meredith’s. “You’re welcome, Meredith.” He was about to say something again, but was cut off by his pager. He checked, and immediately Meredith sensed something was off. “It’s an incoming Trauma.”

“Oh, no. No, no, no, I don’t start until tomorrow, Richard.” Her father figure just grinned at her. “But legally, you work here now the second you signed the contract, and I’m the Chief. Plus, it’s a shotgun wound to the abdomen.”

“A _shotgun_?” Meredith’s eyes flew wide open as excitement laced her voice. 

“Yes, all you have to do is get your ass to OR three, and I’ll go down to the pit myself if you still don’t want to be recognized, although after today, I highly doubt that.”

“Oh, you’re so on, Chief.”

* * *

Taking up Richard’s challenge was a breeze; she was a soldier who does not back down, come hell or high water. So, whenever there was a challenge on the table, she’d gladly throw down the gauntlet to her superiors, especially to the Chief since he was the first civilian she had bowed down to for over half a decade, but under the condition of keeping her identity concealed.

And this isn’t quite it.

Richard thought it’d be a good idea to be a smart-ass and open the gallery while he stayed with her, not to supervise the on-going operation, but to steer clear from the pointed queries of doctors and nurses alike in regards to the identity of the Head Surgeon in charge. What a great way to have his ass bit by his own actions. 

Meredith could palpably feel several pairs of eyes fixated on her that left burn marks throughout her whole body, the atmosphere was almost tangible like some unknown force was strangling her neck, restricting her to breathe, but now was not the time to let her feelings get the best of her. She’s elbow deep in a man’s abdomen, and so far, praising comments were all she sustained aside from the questions, of course. 

She learned it the hard way in the military to always, _always_ , focus on the patient regardless of what disturbances may arise, and usually, that meant regardless of how many bullets came pouring down and IEDs to blow. Suspecting glances paled in comparison to those, and thanks to her headlight and surgical mask for serving as a disguise. Also the surgical gown for covering her camouflage suit.

Her only saving grace was to avoid looking up as a series of “who is that?” and as riposte to the said inquiry was “a god, apparently” swamped the whole room as their voices flowed through the intercom. Meredith chanced a quick glance at Richard who was already looking at her, his mouth was covered but Meredith could see the delighted spark that ignited his dark eyes.

“Hey, did you hear about the new army doctor coming in tomorrow?” Meredith heard someone whisper vigilantly, afraid of being heard by the Chief. He was an intern perhaps as he was holding a journal and a pen to take notes of the procedure.

“Yeah, heard he’s some lackey who screwed up in the army,” was answered back by his fellow intern with the same hushed tone.

Meredith smirks to herself behind her mask. _Military critics_. They were always too damn cocky for their own good, aren’t they? In spite of her impulse telling her to reprimand them, she bit her tongue nonetheless to avoid a scene, and as she extracted the bullet via laparotomy — since the patient has shown symptoms of hemodynamic instability — the audience around her watched in complete and utter awe while audible gasps of pure veneration were heard. 

She caught sight of her intern’s hand trembling marginally beside her while holding the clamp. “Is there something wrong, Doctor?”

The female doctor looked at her with a glint of fright, and gulped down at the intensity of Meredith’s stare piercing through her soul. “Uh, n-no, it’s just that, um… there are so many doctors huddled together in the gallery, it’s-it’s quite i-intimidating.”

“Really? Can you tell me who they are?” 

“Well, there’s, um, doctors Yang, Karev, Stevens and O’Malley. Then there’s the attendings, oh god, this is the first time I saw them all in there.” Her intern rambled absent-mindedly and Meredith smiled a little at the semblance of her former self. “Dr. Sloan’s there, um, Dr. Shepherd, and oh, Dr. Bailey who’s literally pressed against the window trying to figure out who you are. And Doctors Torres, Robbins, and Altman. Then there comes Dr. Montgomery.”

“Gosh, who’s that?” Asked Addison as soon as her intern acknowledged her arrival.

Meredith’s heart clenched and her breathing caught in her throat. The thought of seeing the love of her life again was rather unnerving. Richard had mentioned that the day dragged on today, and that this trauma was the first immediate case to ever walk in the hospital at the time being, so it’s only reasonable that so many doctors have had free time on their hands. Cheers to Meredith Grey’s unfortunate luck.

The Lieutenant emitted a bashful sigh and shook her head; there’s no way she was going to get out of this unrecognized, so why not just seize the given opportunity? Fuck it, right?

Remaining concentrated on the patient lying on the table, she ordered the intern who had initially called her an incompetent lackey. “Doctor, grab my phone and play the song ‘Where Does The Good Go’ _now_ .” Never has her voice been so deafening and commanding, and never has someone looked at her with the utmost horrification in his eyes as he instantly obliged, nearly tripping on his own feet. “And _you_ , activate the intercom from here.”

Meredith looked at her mentor as he seems to have picked up on what she’s planning to do. He offered a slow and solid nod, and that was enough to give her a jumpstart.

**_“But one thing is certain, when it finally reveals itself; the future is never the way we imagined.”_ **

Up in the gallery, fellow doctors have shared gossips from here and there but not a single one has an idea of who the surgical goddess was with her wonderfully refined skills that makes it look like cutting into a flesh of skin was a world-class cooking show instead of a complex, life-threatening procedure, and aside from the surgeon in question stealing the surgery, or rather the Chief stealing the surgery _for_ her, did raise as much hearsay as commendation in relevance to her extreme level of determination and most of all, her steadiness and dominion in the OR. She was the fastest that they had ever seen, and at the same time the most meticulous as to never negate the precise accuracy that the laparotomy procedure required.

Having been able to witness the surgery felt like a privilege and that’s saying a lot coming from a cardio enthusiast, Cristina Yang, as the surgeon below was probably on General. 

“Goddamn, look at her hands.” Sloan pointed out as the surgeon pulled the bullet out with a firmly balanced control, it was oddly satisfying to see it removed with a single, perfectly calculated, glissade.

“Don’t go all manwhore on a woman you’ve never even met, Mark Sloan.” Addison reprimands, rolling her eyes, unaware that the person she was pertaining to was Meredith Grey; the same person she’d been pining for over the past years.

“I don’t care what she looks like, that domineering trait tells me everything I want to know.” Mark quips back, eyebrows wiggling suggestively as Addison threw him an inquiring look. “She’s a tiger in bed.”

“Sloan!” Miranda Bailey provided a hard blow on top of Mark’s head. “Ow! Alright, alright, I’ll stop!” He raised his hands in surrender as the other doctors snickered and Addison thanked the woman for doing the honor.

They continued to joke around each other until Cristina heard the first verse of the song. “Shut up.” She quickly stood and went to press herself on the window. “Oh, my god…” She whispers into the room and turns to face her colleagues as they look at her weirdly. “Oh, my god!” She goes again, louder this time as her face blanched at the realization slowly dawning on her.

_♪♪♪ “Where do you go with your broken heart in tow? And what do you do with the left over you?” ♪♪♪_

“What’s wrong, Cristina?” Teddy came to her aid, Cristina was always put together and impassive to a fault, ergo seeing her this way brought questions to the surface.

“Guys, the song!” Cristina said to her friends, her inner circle; Izzie, George, and Alex. They had all danced to the same song together, a week before Meredith left for Iraq.

_♪♪♪ “And how do you know when to let go? Where does the good go?” ♪♪♪_

Izzie also got on her feet, a hand cupping over her mouth. “My god… It’s true.” It’s as if a piece on a puzzle clicked.

_♪♪♪ “Where does the good go…?” ♪♪♪_

“Holy crap, dude. This isn’t what I expected when she texted that.” Alex joined Izzie and Cristina while George followed shortly after.

_♪♪♪ “Look me in the eye, and tell me you don’t find me attractive.”♪♪♪_

“Are you sure that’s her?” George asked dubiously, but the hopeful tinge in his voice dominated the doubt.

_♪♪♪ “Look me in the heart, and tell me you won’t go.”♪♪♪_

“Wait, hold up, what’s going on? You know who that is?” that was Callie.

_♪♪♪ “Look me in the eye, and promise no love's like our love.”♪♪♪_

“We all do, if I’m right, and I’m _always_ right.” Cristina says smugly and off-handedly while swiftly walking over to the intercom near the entrance with brusque speed. “You son of a gun, tell me I’m right. _Please_.”

“Yang, what are you doing? If that’s not who you think she is, you’ll embarrass yourself.” Derek lectured.

“Cristina, he’s right.” Arizona agreed. “You should calm down.”

“I don’t freaking care, okay?! I need to know if I’m right, so please... _Meredith_ fucking _Grey_ , if that’s your sneaky ass over there, answer me!” Cristina nearly slammed her hands on the intercom in deathly anticipation, as gasps and a chorus of “what?!” emerged throughout the confined room.

_♪♪♪ “Look me in the heart, and un-break broken, it won't happen.”♪♪♪_

Meredith heard her person’s hysteria while the other people in the OR also waited for the confirmation. By now, she was already closing up, and as the few seconds passed, she places the scalpel back to its tray and looked up, she could feel every single pound in her chest, echoing through her ears as she felt those things in the movies where an incessant ringing governed the place where she’s standing at.

“Meredith, come on, answer me!” Cristina demanded harshly.

She smiled beneath her mask at Cristina’s impatience that reached her eyes, crinkling the delicate skin around it almost to an extent of closing it like her smile always did. “Do you need help dragging a corpse across the living room, Dr. Yang?”

Cristina beamed like she’s just been granted a solo surgery on a cool cardio case. “ **She’s home**.” Cristina finalized, assuredly. “Meredith’s home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway, I hope you like my update! Please leave comments as it encourages and inspires me to continue writing. Thank you so much! <3
> 
> PS. Next chapter will be Addison Montgomery centered.
> 
> ~ Skylar Addison Renée


	3. Our Lady of Trauma Surgery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I know I promised an Addison centered chapter for this one, but I thought it’d be best to add the others’ POV. Maybe Addison’s point of view will be more fleshed out in the succeeding chapters, but for now, enjoy!
> 
> Also, sorry it took me a while to update because now’s literally my only free day. School sucks :p
> 
> And can I just say I really, really appreciate those who comments on this. I may not reply but I see them, please keep them coming it really helps me.

* * *

It’s hard to sleep on regret, it’s like nightmares springing up to haunt you every chance it gets, it leaves a residue that’s always there to remind you of the life-changing opportunities you could have had, but missed, and living in the state of remorse every second of every day scarred a certain redhead in ways sorely irreparable to the extent that no rip-roaring surgeries, nor tequila-soaked nights could fix.

Addison Montgomery, in spite of being a world-class neonatal surgeon with merited degrees in two sub-specialties — in no way spared her from suffering through rash decisions and heartbreaks. One might suspect that a woman as highly sophisticated as Addison would live a perfect life, but it was far from that considering her setbacks derived from poor decision-making and her notable failed relationships, that being Derek Shepherd and Mark Sloan, but if someone asks who she loved more; she would answer neither since neither of the two had had the field day to shaken up Addison’s durable resolve. Sure, she’d been hurt by said gentlemen, but in hindsight, none of them would have been able to commensurate with how Meredith tore her life into a muddle.

Meredith Grey disappeared on her without as much as a word goodbye and what’s harrowing about the situation was that the younger woman could not be at fault for doing so since Addison, admittedly, would have done the same thing having been treated the way she treated her. She pushed her, she pushed and pushed, until Meredith was too far gone — in a literal sense — to be pulled back anymore, and it goes without saying that she became a Derek, and it wasn’t because she didn't want Meredith, it’s actually the other way around, madly and deeply at that.

Addison was scared of having felt a novel euphoric rush whenever she saw Meredith. It was disconcerting to put it mildly how the younger woman slipped past her defenses with no more than a sex and two make-out sessions in; the trysts having days of interval and in between those had only been awkward sober encounters and alcohol induced flirtations at Joe’s. It was narrowly anything to be measured as a romantic relationship and she’d managed to deceive herself of the self-evident lie at a minimum of days which was staggeringly disappointing for someone who’s known as a ‘no feelings type of woman’ and she figured it’s because Meredith isn’t also just a ‘girl in a bar’ type of woman.

By force of circumstance — and tequila, and their innately high libido — their occasional drunken sex turned frequent and free of alcohol, their conversations came in depth and heartfelt, dipping down to a personal level, and what once was regarded a ‘no strings attached’ agreement progressed into something serious enough for Addison to become greatly terrified.

Whatever the woman did, made her heart flutter; Addison’s partiality to Meredith’s quirks, and her adorable snoring and rambling to boot, gave substance to her epiphany that Meredith Grey was  _ everything _ but an affair.

And the thought alone was terrifying.

On these following grounds, Addison did what she does best; she ran. Against all logicality, she ran and became indifferent towards Meredith. She began making excuses, avoiding her, lying about being busy and she kept the act going for months in hopes that her love for her would wholly dissipate as if it was something as trivial as a goddamn eyelash stuck in her lip gloss that she could just pick up and blow away. But even then, Meredith was patient... until she wasn’t anymore, and as Meredith’s ultimatum finally dawned on her, Addison realized that she just single-handedly fucked up the one good thing that has ever happened to her.

But alas, for whatever idiotic reason, she still chose Derek. She chose him but loves  _ her _ , so doctorate degree and academic awards be damned because that had to be the most stupid mistake she has ever made in her entire existence. That was the fons et erigo of her obsession not to further tarnish her reputation and iron-willed credence to salvage what was left of her loveless marriage and moral high ground to the detriment of the woman she loved.

History does have a way of repeating itself.

“If sorry ever held the power to undo things, or better yet, bring Meredith back to me, you bet your fucking ass I’d apologize a thousand times a day, heck, I’d even pray, Callie. Pray!” Addison once said to her best friend at another intoxicated night at Joe’s with disarrayed upside-down shot glasses plonked on the table that she’d recently emptied in one go.

“You’re a wasp, Addison, you don’t pray and you only go to Church during Christmas.” Callie says a matter-of-factly

Addison raised another glass to her lips and winced at the burning sensation running down her throat. “Exactly, Callie.  _ Ooh _ , that rhymed.” She giggled, then a few seconds later, laughs were replaced by tears dripping down on her cheeks. “What the hell am I going to do now?”

Callie offered her a napkin followed by a comforting squeeze on her hand in a rather vainly attempt to soothe her friend. “Addison, it wasn’t your fault that she left. You didn’t make the decision for her.”

“ _ Right _ , I just drove her to make that decision, yeah, ‘cause that makes me feel any better.” She slurred, once again chuckling her way to bitterness and regret. ”Do you wanna know why it’s my fault? Here’s why; Meredith’s friends have been shooting daggers at me all day that if looks could kill, you’d probably be mourning for me right now. Derek stopped talking to me, not because of the divorce, or the freaking affair, but because I ran  _ her _ off. Mark, well, Mark is being Mark with his stupid boy penis trying to lure me into him and failing miserably at it. And the Chief... I came clean to the Chief, Callie. He’s my friend, you’d think he’d cut me some slack, but what do you know! He’s ignoring me, too.”

Then as she downed her last drink for the night; she cried. There’s no consolation in the world that could pacify her pain. She had taken all the blame in Meredith’s departure that people seem to forget that she’s hurting as well. Her life was in complete shambles and she had reached the rock-bottom, what more could she possibly have to lose? She lost Meredith, it’s only reasonable that she had also lost her life.

Addison had gotten so low to the point where she called every single goddamn residency programme she knew, and when proven useless, had knelt down in front of Richard just to beg him to tell her where Meredith was. But apparently, a move that’s immensely desperate and out of character didn’t give her the answer that she wanted, instead she received a demoralizing “let her go” from Richard.

From that point forward, she’d changed her way of living, and found comfort in drinking as it traded reality in favour of fantasy whereas she still had Meredith, and even if it was nothing but a figment of her imagination. She’d have it any other day than to face the truth that the love of her life was gone. Addison soldiered on her unhealthy routine for months on end until Richard had been clued in on it and issued another ultimatum — as if she hasn’t had enough of those already — he told her that she should either stop drinking or stop working, and truth be told, she almost,  _ almost _ , chose the latter.

“I’ve been sworn to secrecy, and I’m only capable of telling you that she’s somewhere pursuing the fullest extent of her potential, while you’re here plummeting to the ground, not to mention, dragging your career along. Do you really think she’d want you to do this?”

As Richard’s words set in, she realized that everyone has moved on, or trying to move on despite the patent void in their hearts that one blue-eyed blonde left in their wake. They were at least doing the best they can so much as to cope with the loss as opposed to what Addison had been doing ever since Meredith left. But the last kernel of hope had her musing,  _ was she really gone? Was I too late?  _

“For your sake, Addison, let her go. Stop finding her because you won't.”

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks the same instant a lone tear fell down. She had truly pushed the self-destruct button one too many times throughout the span where she’s sabotaging her own career, the same career she worked so hard for and the medical eminence that took her blood, sweat and tears to reach. The career that will deteriorate if she continues wasting her life on someone who clearly doesn’t want her back instead of paying attention to what she has at the moment.

At first, Addison discerned Richard’s premise simply as to convey Meredith’s resentment towards her. She figured the blonde wanted a fresh start in a place where she’s not around, and frankly, it was much easier to conjure up an image of Meredith living a stable, happy, life with someone who cares for her and loves her in ways that Addison did not than dealing with the pain stemmed in utter guilt if Meredith isn’t in a state a shade closer to what she’d imagined.

Everybody’s lives went on and it wouldn’t be fair to herself if she had stuck with the past. Meredith isn’t coming back, not even for her.  _ Especially _ not for her. 

And maybe that’s okay… maybe she deserves it.

For the most part, she’d been at peace with that even though it took her years to regain some sort of semblance of normalcy in her life it was still progress. Her strained relationships with Richard and Derek were reinstated, procuring a cordial atmosphere between all of them. The interns — now fifth-year residents — had eventually come around without much of a choice seeing as Addison was still their superior regardless of their problems with her, and after great efforts, everything went back to normal, or the closest to normal as they could get.

After all the events combined, Addison expected that there’d be no more room for surprises in her life, but she was wrong. So very damn wrong.

As one more surprise unveils before Addison’s eyes, she hadn’t expected that it would involve the Chief playing a surgeon version of James Bond as he pulled a cloak-and-dagger operation while he stole and snuck a patient that, turns out, was intended to be operated on by someone else. The plan would have been a success had he not so absent-mindedly left the gallery room open to become a gathering full of prying nurses and doctors alike. The unidentified surgeon was thought to be a woman judging by her lissom figure and sylphlike hands — hands that were extremely praiseworthy inasmuch as Addison’s eyes were being blessed with a surgical orgasm. And no, it wasn’t an over exaggeration, that is simply within the limits of her descriptive words so much as to describe the obviously inbred talent the surgeon held gleaned from years of doing the procedure,  _ mastering  _ it along the way.

While the on-going surgery raised a plethora of questions, it was also of no doubt that whoever the Jane Doe was, was already being lionized by the staff, instantly earning the sobriquet of ‘The Lady of General Surgery’ not even an hour later so much to Miranda Bailey’s apparent dismay and Mark Sloan’s amusement as he, the manwhore that he is, couldn’t forestall his crude comments from slipping out.

However, Addison’s brow raised as she saw the surgeon tilt her head to the side exceptionally similar to that of the person who still made her heart leap a thousand beats. Though given that she was wearing a mask and a headlight that obstructed her face, Addison can’t help but feel an uncanny kinship that personally linked the woman in question to the person she was reminded of. Something was off, familiar rather in a way that it hurts her head trying to pinpoint what aspect of her was so… captivating.

It almost felt like she was someone that she knew; and for whatever reason, she had the urge to make her look up, see who that steady hands belonged to and as if the heavens above heard her, three succeeding things happened; Addison watched as the bullet came out, she listened as the music blared, and she gaped — along with the others and Cristina Yang’s hysteria — as Meredith Grey’s voice flowed smoothly through the intercom, rendering them in quandary. “Do you need help dragging a corpse across the living room, Dr. Yang?”

And all Addison could think about now was how much she resented surprises.

The doctors saw how the usually stoic-faced Cristina beamed from ear to ear with a twinkle of glee in her eyes. “She’s home… Meredith’s home. See? I’m right! I’m…” She sighed a deep one, her face slightly faltering. “I’m right? I’m actually right…?”

A deafening silence settles in on the room while they stood in a trance, Addison’s gaze tracked Meredith (?) with bemusing thoroughness as she advanced towards the scrub room, her lips parted ever-so slightly and her hooded eyes stretched to its limits. Immediately, she felt herself under the scrutiny of Derek, Mark, and Callie who all looked significantly worried and equal parts baffled at the revelation. Addison’s crisis wasn’t a secret to them, or to anyone for that matter as she’d been shamelessly flaunting her wretchedness for an indecent period of time.

Once again, her world hung by a piece of thread, a thread that one piercing gaze from the love of her life could cut in a snip. If anything, Addison had always been calm and poised, but her last veneer of composure collapsed and suddenly, her presence of mind flew half across the country and said sayonara bitch.

This wasn’t supposed to be funny, yet at this point, what could she possibly feel? It was ridiculously humorous because you think you’d finally moved on and then out of nowhere, the world throws you the biggest curveball you’d ever known. Because the person you’ve been trying to find shows up out of thin air the moment you decided it’d be best to let her go. The world does have a very horrible sense of humour.

Obviously, Addison was still in denial.

In her mind, this is just some sick joke, a mistake, because this couldn’t possibly be  _ her  _ Meredith. That Meredith was hell-bent on not coming back, that Meredith was gone, and this one just so happens to have the same bloody voice and striking eyes as Addison’s Meredith.

Addison waited for someone to say, ‘Ha! Got you!’ or ‘It’s a prank!’, but it never came and it never will. “Oh my god...”

* * *

In years of being a surgeon, Miranda Bailey not once favoured doctors, much less an intern/s, but there’s something kind about George O’Malley, something bright about Izzie Stevens, something intricate about Alex Karev, something intriguing about Cristina Yang, and something extraordinary about Meredith Grey.

There was something in this particular set of interns that caught her attention, and the next thing she knew, she felt like a mother to them. She hurts when they hurt, she’s happy when they are, she’s protective when somebody wrongs one of them, and she’s mad when they do anything less than what she taught them to do. Their failures and successes became hers and she felt responsible for them in a way that’s above a professional relationship, so imagine her skepticism when Meredith Grey fled to ‘Boston’ to go into ‘Mass Gen’ and her fury upon finding out, six months later, via a piece of dusty and dried blood stained letter, that she had enlisted in the army.

She wanted to believe it was a lie, that Meredith may have made questionable decisions before, but not crazy enough to do such a thing. But the vivid detail of the letter and her interns’ distress; George’s silent tears, Izzie’s round the clock grief baking, Alex’s sexual romp with every woman who breathes, and Cristina’s relinquishing of cardio cases proved her otherwise.

One of her children went to war, actually,  _ deliberately _ , signed herself off to a warzone where she nearly got herself killed more times than Miranda can even count, more times than she even  _ wants  _ to count. The pang of betrayal seeped into her veins as she ripped the letter apart concerning Meredith’s health and apology, rage driving her towards the Chief’s office to demand answers she should have known in the first place, and disappointment crippling her to know that her mentor — a wise man — may not actually be so wise after all as to let someone as innocent as Meredith Grey go to Iraq without having the decency to tell her.

Miranda wanted to hate Meredith with all her being, she wanted to hate her for lying and curse at her stupid confidentiality agreement. She thought convincing herself and the people around her that she hated the blonde woman would somehow make it the tiniest bit true, yet it didn’t, she couldn’t bring herself to. Yes, she had threatened her with cunningly sharp words as a weapon, but in the middle of the night, when she finds herself gasping for air at the very realistic dream of Meredith getting shot or blown off, she wants nothing more than to get her home. So, she prays, she prays to the God she believes in, and to the gods that she doesn’t, to keep Meredith safe. To bring her home, so she could tell her how she’s the most foolish and idiotic person she’s ever met. So that she could embrace her, touch her skin, and  _ literally  _ feel that she’s alive.

And Miranda does just that; not caring how she was once known as the Nazi, the unyielding resident with the ego the size of Texas. She shrunk that ego as she told the Chief to back the hell away from the door he had been manning to give the woman inside a few moments of peace while scrubbing out, and he did, because she’s Dr. Bailey. Miranda stood there, watching Meredith smile at her while drying her hands and casually donning the military jacket she had once discarded for added mobility to do the prodigious surgery that she commandeered with class. 

Wordlessly, and to Meredith’s surprise at the motherly gesture, Miranda helped her former intern slip the jacket onto the lean build of her shoulders, tugging it once, twice, then straightening it out as she carefully passed the buttons through its corresponding apertures. Miranda’s thumb caressed the ribbons and medals attached to the jacket’s left breast pocket, and she scowled at the sight of ‘Lieutenant’ pinned on the collar of Meredith’s uniform and ‘Grey’ on her right side. “When did you get back?”

“Just this morning, ma’am. I was supposed to start tomorrow, but had been advised by the Chief to start today.” Meredith answers decisively.

Miranda knows she should be proud, but somehow, a part of her isn’t. Being this decisive doesn’t come without a price, the ablazed aura of authority that Meredith presented with tells Miranda her experiences were just as lethally catastrophic as she dreamt of. Her relaxed but upright stance, the steadiness of her gaze; she knew how to hold eye contact now. Miranda gave her an evident top to bottom look, availing herself of the view, until the recognition of Meredith’s statement hit her hard. “Start tomorrow? What does that…” Miranda paused. “You’re the milit transfer the Chief talked to Shepherd about.”

“That I am,” she beams proudly. “Also your new Head of Trauma.” Meredith winked playfully and was soon pulled into a breath-restricting hug.

An arm draped around Miranda’s shoulders as Meredith melted into her embrace, having shown a trace of vulnerability Miranda surmises were specifically reserved for those worthy of it. “Thank God. Oh, thank God.” She whispers, that means Meredith’s staying, right?

“You know, when you walked in, then you grabbed my jacket, I seriously thought you were going to whoop me on my behind with it as legibly stated on your previous letters.” Meredith felt Miranda’s laugh reverberate against her chest.

“Believe me, Grey. I thought about it, I really did, but I figured it can wait.” She admits, it was now Meredith’s turn to laugh. “Well then, I’d be more than happy to oblige as your human punching bag in due time.”

“Good,” the shorter woman relished the contact for a couple more seconds, just to make sure that it was  _ real  _ before pulling away. “The Chief is at the door, she’s... they’re all outside. I think.” Quickly covering her slip of the tongue, Miranda cleared her throat, hoping it was glossed over by the Lieutenant.

“Addison.” Meredith smiled knowingly, a sad grain on her stern features as Miranda felt how Meredith took a short pause. “You can say her name, it’s not a bad word.”

She pivoted on her heel to take a gander at the shift in Meredith’s seemingly invariable countenance, one blink and Miranda could have missed it and easily blamed it on her imagination, but regardless of how fast it came and vanished, Miranda saw anger, yearning, grudge, and perhaps a portion of regret, but one emotion befell on her face, one that wasn’t supposed to be there after all these years, yet it was and plain as a pikestaff as it is, it was love. And in the face of all that fervor deficit, on top of Meredith’s attempt at hiding it in the guise of a dour facade and stoicism brought to play, Miranda caught it.

Because  _ “It’s pathetic, isn’t it? Falling in love with your ex-boyfriend’s wife. I love her, Dr. Bailey. I do, I think I’ll always do, _ _ ” _ circled through her head.

Be that as it may, Miranda didn’t launch an initiative to have a go at addressing what she had seen. She wanted to ask, she wanted to make sure, but she vetoed the idea at once in fear of inspiring something that would shaken Meredith’s sheer tenacity. True, the soldier liably gained fortitude and banked on the pillar of self-strength during her sojourn in Iraq and is highly unlikely to be deterred by one leggy redhead, still, Miranda wasn’t about to take her chances.

Though she wishes Grey would be open to a lengthy discourse instead of sweeping it under the rug because much as she hated conversing about the personal lives of her colleagues, Meredith Grey was so much more than that. And listening to her experiences, however provident or disturbing; definitely worth the while.

“Meredith!” Came out of the blue in parallel to the pronounced pummeling against the door that made Bailey jump in utter shock, and had groaned when  _ flinching  _ had apparently been long obliterated in Meredith’s dictionary. The Lieutenant simply arched a brow upon hearing Cristina Yang’s injunction. “We don’t have all day, Mer! So, if you're done being a coward or God forbid getting throttled by Bailey, can you please come out now? Because if you’re not out here by the time I count to ten; Alex and I are ripping the door off the hinges and you’re paying for it!”

Amused by the threat that she didn’t want to turn into reality, Meredith asked. “I thought you said Webber was manning the door?”

Miranda shrugged. “Oh he is, but they’re Alex and Cristina,” she responds with a light chuckle.

“ _ Ah _ ... persistent when they want to be, right, of course.” In fact, all her friends were like that, she just vaguely wonders where the other two were.

* * *

After strenuous minutes rooted from guarding the door, the Chief eventually caved in to Cristina and Alex’s annoyingly persistent whys and wherefores presented with a promise so long as not to badger the blonde into stepping out of the room by use of coercion. He’s glad Stevens and O’Malley had been drafted by Arizona or else the force of those four would drive him up the wall. Threadlike patience continues to wear thin, and still, no signs of Meredith and Miranda, not even indistinct voices were heard. It’s become eerily still for their comfort because who knows what Miranda’s done to the younger woman. Lieutenant Grey was probably being harangued by the Nazi.

More minutes passed by as Cristina’s leniency snaps, the attendings strangely surveyed the determined surgeon, repeatedly pounding her fist against the door all the while keeping the violence as minimal as possible to preserve her oh-so-treasured agile hands out of harm’s way but merely enough to dispatch her growing frustration by the counted seconds she finds the need to vocalize at the top of her lungs. “...Three, four, five, I swear to god, Meredith Grey, six…”

Cristina was pissed to say the least, she doesn’t know why, maybe because of the fact that Derek and Addison had the audacity to stay there as if they didn’t know that they took part in sending Meredith off. Or it could be with the fact that she hasn’t seen her person in over half a decade and she seriously couldn’t wait any much longer than she ha–

The door suddenly flew wide open and she nearly jabbed her fist on Meredith’s face, actually, no, wait… Cristina nearly jabbed her first on an austere woman of explicit military bearing’s face who’s clad in neatly polished boots and full on combat suit that just so happens to be Meredith Catherine Grey, who had smirked at her in a way that measly intimidated her. It was faint, but it was there, and she hates it because she shouldn’t have to feel it. “So cranky, Dr. Yang. And here I thought Major Altman has got a handle on you already.”

The raven-haired woman burned at that, unable to put her feelings into words, and silently cursing at how she was rendered speechless and inert. She watched her  _ not _ girlfriend, Teddy, get into her line of sight, saluting to her best friend out of courtesy, and honestly, yeah, the intimidation was certainly there because before her stood a high-ranking officer with a commanding visage, not her irking person with a dopey smile and eyes narrowed to slits with gaiety.

Give her a fucking moment to get used to it.

Oh and Alex Karev, give him a moment of silence, too. The smart-mouthed resident was always known to shroud his vulnerability in a simulacrum form of a jerk, insufferable prick, but he thought perhaps he’d make an exemption this time, perhaps, just this once, he’d set that false display aside because the amount of longing and care he had for Mer, even though rarely in array, was strong and beyond the questions of  _ whys  _ and  _ hows _ .

“If I’m not mistaken, I vividly remember promising to stay alive so I could pay my debts to society for leaving.” Meredith quips over sensing the hospital’s most famous crass residents at a loss for words. “And on account of keeping my word, I think I deserve a long overdue hug from my people don’t you think?”

Meredith was only poking fun at them, Alex and Cristina weren’t affectionate, if this were George and Izzie the story would have been different, but she knew these two specific people would find it chummy and would think of it with disdain, and they would shrug it off then walk away and Meredith would have been deeply content with that nonetheless. So just imagine her surprise when said crass people had fully encased her with two pairs of arms followed by Cristina’s “Oh, shut up” and Alex’s “Whatever”.

“Since when have you two gone soft on me?”

“Since you became the idiot who signed a death sentence,” Cristina muttered supported by Alex’s. “If you pull that crap again, I’d kill you myself.”

Meredith laughed. “Mm-hmm,  _ sureee _ .”

They were lost in their own little world that they had completely overlooked Bailey’s smile, Shepherd and Sloan’s slack-jawed expression of combined dumbfoundedness and amusement, Callie’s profound disbelief, and Addison’s overwhelming surge of emotions, weakness gaining mastery over her physical might as she had desperately sought to latch her hand onto Callie’s arm at an attempt to keep her upright and unfaltering.

Addison’s eyes raked over the body of the woman in uniform as her lover’s face, once otherwise evaluated as the epitome of bliss and innocence now corrupted with a Dunkirk spirit of a kind, assumingly by the years she had secretly spent in the army. Hair longer and considerably lighter than she remembered; milky white skin cloaked in a dark tan hence increasing the intensity of Meredith’s striking blue eyes — eyes that used to look at Addison with pure adoration and warmth now held nothing but Seattle’s penetrating coldness in them. 

It would be a lie to say that she didn’t wither in her presence, because the candid truth was that, she did. Meredith had this even tenor of rage and tranquility in her that you wouldn’t know which one she’d show, or which one to expect. Maybe this is what Meredith had felt like the first time a red tornado of passive aggressiveness strutted across the lobby of Seattle Grace as Addison Shepherd. 

Meredith was hot;  _ very hot _ . _Out of this world hot_. Addison knows it shouldn’t be the first word that comes into her mind, but as Meredith rolled up her sleeves, bunching up to her elbows and exposing the view of angry, protruding veins and muscles on the skin’s surface, rationality was tossed out the metaphorical window and Addison’s mouth watered at the delectable vista laid out in front of her. 

She felt a nudge on her rib, pulling her out of her reverie, courtesy of Callie Torres. “You do realize that this is a very inappropriate time to be turned on, right?” She chastised. “Close your damn mouth before you drool, Addison.”

_ Shit _ . Much to her embarrassment, Addison promptly closes her mouth the same time Mark Sloan spoke, reminding her to strangle him later for sexualizing Meredith Grey back in the gallery. “So I’m guessing our Lady of General Surgery is actually our Lady of  _ Trauma  _ Surgery?”

On the spot, Meredith pointedly averted her gaze towards Mark, head cocking to the side as her eyes attested to fierce authority possessed the power to instill discomfort in whoever doomed individual it happens to hold hostage with no difficulty.

Instead of Meredith delivering the much needed answers, Richard intervened. “Precisely, Dr. Sloan. As you all can see, Dr. Lieutenant Meredith Grey here is our new Head of Trauma Surgery, following her appointment as such gradually restores Seattle Grace Hospital back to its former glory as we are being reclassified into a Level I Trauma Unit by the end of the month.” Richard grinned, lightly patting Meredith’s back. “Rules and regulations in the ER are governed by Lieutenant Grey, now should there be any changes needing to be implemented is entirely up to her, and questions regarding how she runs the trauma unit are to be addressed directly  _ to  _ her, so my advice is that you should all get along. After all, Meredith isn’t so new to us.”

“And oh, before I forget… Shepherd?” The Chief called. “Meredith’s also the military attending neurosurgeon we discussed about that was supposed to come in tomorrow. I expect you to brief her on your side of terms as well.”

_Holy shit_. They just scored their own Lady of Trauma Surgery  _ and _ a neuro goddess wrapped in a package deal whose brilliance, in all likelihood, will have Derek Shepherd a run for his money.

* * *

“Can I ask how come you’re an attending already, Meredith?” Sloan inquired after the Chief had left to go check on a patient.

Meredith chuckled ironically. “You have a lot of nerve calling me by my first name. You don’t get to do that, you’re not my friend.” She stated through gritted teeth, startling the rest of her associates at her impertinent remark to a seemingly harmless question. “And to answer your question; I finished my surgical residency in the accelerated medical programme of the US Army. The reason why I’m also with Dr. Shepherd is because I’m a double-board certified Neuro and Trauma surgeon.”

“So, now it’s my turn to ask, and Dr. Shepherd, feel free to answer it along with your  _ best bud _ .” Meredith smirked. “Does the both of you know that I’m very much aware that my reputation precedes me as an incompetent lackey the army has dumped on your hospital?”

Mark and Derek widened their eyes as Mark urgently stumbled on his words to counter for their defenses. Making it even worse than it is. “I, we, Derek and I didn’t know that you’re the, um…” He wildly gesticulated. “-milit transfer. We didn’t even think it’d be a GI Jane. I mean, surely you can understand why we came into that conclusion, because, uh, usually soldiers don’t exactly bow down to civilian authority, so we thought…”

“For God’s sake, Mark, stop talking.” Derek ran a hand down his face while elbowing his best friend, then lowering his voice to scold him. “She didn’t even say she knew it was us. You just confirmed it for her, idiot.”

“That I’m a rigid arrogant asshole? Right, Let me set the record straight; when we’re under strict orders by our commanding officers, in which I am, I do follow orders from civilians. I can compromise, I can comply, and I  _ will  _ listen to your course of treatments out of respect to your ideas, and if God forbid we don’t see eye to eye then I’m damn well prepared for an in depth discussion. So you can shove your worries in a sack because news flash! The world doesn’t revolve around the both of you, I’m here to do my job, not to rain on your parade, and I couldn’t care less about you and your gargantuan ego,” she then turned to Derek. “Or you and your neurotic overly moussed hair.”

To their dismay, Meredith seemed to be on a warpath as subduing tirades burst forth with no restraint whatsoever. “To be honest, I expected that kind of conjecture from an insecure high school frat boy bitch, not from someone who  _ used to be _ my superiors, my mentors who should have known better.” Meredith was prepared to leave, but not without a parting advice. “Just a tip; if you’re about to go off discrediting surgeons’ competence, do make sure your interns aren’t loose-lipped, and aren’t easily intimidated by said incompetent lackey to disclose the names of those who commenced the rumour.” She smiled, a cheeky, frightening one at that. “Have a good day, doctors.”

Then she left along with her friends to gloat.

Derek and Mark simultaneously looked at Miranda out of instinct, hoping that the woman would pull them out of the mess they made, but Bailey just snorted at their foolishness. “Don’t look at me for help… damn fools.”

_ Cold _ . Meredith was cold, Addison thought as she scavenged for the flicker of warmth in her eyes earlier, but it was gone, the fire was nowhere to be seen. Meredith was deserted of any emotion there is, except for maybe blind rage and resentment. She was barely recognizable, from her dead set resonance, her stance, and the way she carried herself. Yes, she seemed confident, able to stand up for herself at last, and while this may have been quite beneficial for Meredith, Addison isn’t so sure if it’ll be for them. Job wise, yes, absolutely. Personal wise? Maybe not so much. Maybe not at all.

Which is why it was so painful. So painful it leads her to a question Addison doesn’t even think she wants to be answered.

What could have possibly happened in the army that made Meredith the way she is?

Snippets of conversations she’s had with different people in Meredith’s immediate circle for the past five years flashed in her head, sentences in bold letters.  _ Stop finding her because you won’t _ . Addison finally understood that despite her draining efforts to find her, she really won’t because Meredith was out, pursuing the fullest extent of her potential in the middle of a fucking war.

_You know, the idea of losing Meredith to you scared the crap out of me because she’s my person. I was afraid that you’d love her better than I do, and she’d forget about me. But now, I just wished you’d told her you loved her, because I lost her either way. Thanks to you. Whe_ n the spiteful words of Cristina Yang struck her, she didn’t quite get it at first. She didn’t get it at all, but now that she did, Addison’s heart broke a little that Cristina would rather lose Meredith to her than to somewhere where there’d be no guarantee if she’ll get her back alive.

_I have no business talking to you about this but Meredith Grey loved you. That woman’s heart practically beats for you. How can you just... Never mind, you didn’t deserve to know that._ Addison didn’t know Meredith loved her, she never said it, but in retrospect, Meredith had always shown her love; Addison was just too much of a coward to acknowledge it because she was married, and venturing the unknown wasn’t her thing. She’s drawn to familiarity and stability, not realizing that Meredith could have given her that. Miranda was right, she didn’t deserve to know, and most importantly, she didn’t deserve to be loved by Meredith Grey.

Addison ambled along the corridors of the hospital, off-tracked and lost in her own dithering thoughts of Meredith and as she rounded the corner, Addison had crashed into someone, causing her ankle to give in and lose her footing. She closed her eyes, bracing herself for the imminent impact she’s about to get against the cold linoleum floor when she felt someone’s arm wound up framing her torso as the other crept its way to the nape of her neck. At the initiative, Addison automatically gripped the person’s incredibly taut biceps. The hold on her was tight and protective as the person in question stopped them both from teetering dangerously close on edge.

The redhead struggled to keep her breathing in check, chest heaving and eyes still firmly shut. Her thoughts had immediately made a u-turn upon being greeted with the aroma of refreshing lavender-scented shampoo that graced her nostrils for the first time in five years, five long years and yet it didn’t take a genius to know that the woman currently holding her was Meredith Grey, the one and only.

Their bodies were pressed together and the skin-to-skin contact was enough to make Addison crazy, she didn’t want to open her eyes just yet, afraid that if she did, it would all be over. But Meredith had prompted her to when Addison felt fingers weaving through her auburn tresses to wipe the strands of hair covering her face. “Look where you’re going next time. Someone’s not always gonna be there to catch you when you fall,” she heard her say, in slight reference to the phrase Meredith had used on her five years ago.

_ “I hope you made the right choice, Red. Because if you fall again, I won’t be here to catch you anymore.” _

Addison’s breath caught in her throat. She remembered those sentences as though it happened yesterday, it was the same, the only difference was Meredith’s tone. Back then it had sounded so hurt and vulnerable, now it’s almost an accusation said out of spite.

Meredith tipped her forward, letting her shift her weight on her own. “You’re not hurt, are you?”

“I…” Addison drew a deep breath in. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Mer- Dr. Grey.” The apology wasn’t because of their collision, it was an apology she should have said years ago. It was an apology for breaking her heart, for making her feel like she’s less than Derek, it was an apology… for a lot of things.

“That’s not what I asked, doctor. Are you hurt?” She reiterated and Addison could only shake her head, suddenly mute and trying not to cry at the absence of sensitivity in her former lover. This wasn’t dark and twisty, but sweet and passionate Meredith Grey. This was grim and forbidding, and nothing else. 

The blonde woman doesn’t seem too convinced of her unspoken response and had crouched down to inspect her ankle. “Huh, you certainly are, aren’t you?” She comments after standing back up again. “Could have fooled me, but then again… you’re good at that.” She turned to walk away, looking over her shoulder. “I’ll see you around, Dr. Montgomery.”

Addison watched Meredith’s figure fade away with guilt and pain racking her whole body. This was her fault, if not for her, if she wasn’t such a selfish bitch who cheated on her then husband and came to Seattle to rekindle their marriage, Meredith wouldn’t have been the center of the hospital’s grapevine, she wouldn’t have been subjected to a humiliating ordeal that consorts with judgemental nurses, doctors, even patients. And if she wasn’t such a coward, Meredith wouldn’t have suffered what tags along with military enlistment. Hell, she wouldn’t even have to join the freaking army to begin with because Addison would have done everything in her power to stop her, by hook or by crook.

Overwhelmed with feelings, Addison went inside the attendings lounge in a haste, and had slid down against the door. A hand cupping her mouth to stifle a whimper from coming out as the other went to repeatedly smack herself in the head. It hurted, but oddly satisfying to inflict pain in herself just as she deserved to feel.

“Addison?” A voice called out, it was Miranda Bailey. The woman’s face softened at her weak state as they acquired a tacit communication between them.  _ Bailey knows everything _ .

“You’re right. You’re right, Miranda. I’m not, I… I don’t, she’s not… I don’t deserve her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Meredith and Addison’s interaction are scarce, but it’s just the beginning, guys. You’ll get more of them soon ;)
> 
> Please don’t forget to review.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is the first chapter of my first multi-chapter fic, please let me know if it’s worth continuing!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [We Weren't Young Anymore (But We Were Restless)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26894131) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)




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